Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Home Ed: The bits I didn't know...

So, I researched as much as I could before deregistering Barnaby from school but here we are, 6 weeks in and it's evident there are some bits I didn't take into consideration. Here are a few:

* Whilst checking the answers in his maths workbook, I discovered he'd forgone the pen tin next to him and been much more resourceful with his writing implement. Who needs a felt tip anyway? Black eyeliner pencil does *exactly* the same job...... Apparently!
* I need to increase the frequency with which I buy loo roll. I do wonder where it all goes, but I think we probably know the answer to that.
* There will never be enough food in the house. Tesco must have started sprinkling it with magic dust which turns it all to a matter of crumbs in no time at all.
* Mud is no longer an external item that works adequately in a garden or wood or forest. No, it works equally as well as a lounge floor. I don't think this is quite what's meant when wanky interior designers say things like 'let's make a feature by bringing the outside in' despite the fact that's actually what's happening.
*You give up on all standards of your child wearing clean clothes because they are going to get filthy outside yet again today so they may aswell wear yesterdays. Your standards loiter precariously around the 'just making sure they have clean pants and wiping their face with a wet wipe when you think you may see other people' point.
*Old people love us. It's obvious that they love to see little ones out and about and often shout greetings or words of encouragement to Barnaby. He thinks it's brilliant because he gets to legitimately shout at them as they are deaf, and they are too old to know what day it is so never tell him he should be in school...
*I am amazed and astounded at the things my Son knows. On certain days (hours, moments) he appears so super clever and logistically intelligent that he seems way above his years. And then he undoes all his good efforts and totally spins that on its head by saying random things like 'you know that dog (puppet) on telly? I've been thinking recently (after watching him for 2 years) that, well, actually I'm not sure he's a real life dog. I've met quite a few real life dogs now and none of them have answered me when I talk to them. So, yeah, as he can talk,I think he's not really real after all' and then I wonder. I pull a funny face and just wonder....
* A dressing gown is perfectly acceptable garment to wear for housework, lessons and work. There is no obligation to remove it before lunchtime.
Unless you have something that's recorded delivery in which case please think about the poor postman who will struggle to get that image of you out of  his head for a few hours.
* I have no idea of the day, much less the date. Many a time I've said to Mum ' is it the 16th today?' and she looks like I'm a bit bonkers and says slowly 'noooo, it's the 23rd'. Hmm. I have a rogue week that's got the disappearing skills of Houdini. Comes and goes when it pleases.
* When he was at school I only heard the word "Mum" 32,355 times a day. Triple that and add half a million and that's about right for an average Home Ed day.
* I'm thick. No two ways about it. I didn't realise quite how stupid I was (ahem. No comments please!) until I had a 7 year old question EVERYTHING. Things I *should* know. Questions that sound like I couldn't possibly have reached the age of 38 not knowing. I've learned, on these occasions the absolute correct response is "well what you YOU think?' while I declare I suddenly need a quick wee and dash off to surreptitiously open Google.
* We'll have some of the oddest conversations known to man, which don't always end well.
B: "Mum, what are Rhinos horns made of?"
Me: "Ohh that's a good one, what do you think it's made of?!" (suddenly I need a wee)
B: "Bone I think"
Me: "well actually it's made of hair. The same kind of stuff that's in our hair and nails."
B: "oh well that's a bit strange, I mean, I don't even know why they have horns in the first place considering they are herbivores. I think they can't really be herbivores, they MUST be carnivores"
Me: "Why's that?"
B: "Well they have been given a horn for a reason, so I think it'll come in handy for them for when it's time to go out and stab Jesus passing by"
Me, bewildered "eh?"
B, exasperated "The horn"
Me "yes?"
B: "On the rhino"
Me: "yes?"
B: " They need it to pin down Jesus passing by" (let's out a big sigh.)
Me: ".........sorry love, you've lost me a bit, I'm not too sure why you think a rhinoceros needs to skewer Jesus with his horn?"
B: pauses for a moment and as he looks at me I see my own frown lines reflected on his brow, closely followed by a look of absolute disgust on his face about my evident lack of intelligence... before the penny drops...
"Cheetahs Mum, I said Cheetahs...."
Oh. Yes.
Not Jesus then?

Goes to prove you actually CAN find anything on Google.
A Rhino clearly not skewering Jesus for his tea. 


  1. I would laugh but I might wake the baby. Oh, and the whole food thing ? Yeah, tell me about it. Of course, with food in the house, it is very hard for me not to eat it all......

  2. Funny! Long may you enjoy your home education life.


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